I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
only you would photoshop your dick
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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