i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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