Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
