i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
