Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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