i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
