Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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