How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
someone owes me an orgasm
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
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and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I pour the whiskey from now on
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