I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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