He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
