...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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