why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
