things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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