Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
