paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
