i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
