I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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