Barsexuality is the new black.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
