Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Randomize
