Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
