i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
