I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
