Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
