onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
