you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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