If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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