I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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