How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Randomize
