He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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