Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
