so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
