After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
