You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
