I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
