im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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