I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
