Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
