I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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