So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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