I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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