do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
