Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
