I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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