Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
