My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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