Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
