well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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