I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
