I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
