ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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