matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
