Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
