he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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