I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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