Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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