oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
