Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."

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(415): View more from California

i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.

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