I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
