sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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