I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
