living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
