I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
