Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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