He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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