im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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