shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
