If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
