After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
